William Goldman | The Princess Bride | 1973

Dear Buttercup,

As much as I love your one true love, Westley, I think you’re probably one of the most annoying people I’ve ever met. Well, written to. Did you know that every time he said “As you wish” that he was really saying “I love you?” No. You were too busy making him do things that didn’t even need to be done. And you named your horse “Horse.” Westley is so much smarter than you. Please try to be as cool as he is. You’re kind of like Daphne from Scooby Doo (although Scooby Doo hadn’t been invented yet), except for your outfits probably cost a lot more. You’re always in trouble and Westley always has to get you out of it. Why couldn’t you have ridden closer to the castle? Why couldn’t you have freaking watched where you were going in the Fire Swamp? Snow Sand is deadly, you know. It KILLS PEOPLE. Like WESTLEY.

I think the smartest thing you could do in this situation would be to give Westley up. More specifically, give him to me. Give him my phone number and he can call me, because he needs to find a woman who isn’t such a bumbling idiot.

Thanks.
Rebecca McCrory