Thursday, October 7, 2010

Homer | The Iliad | 800 B.C.

Dear Hector:

It's time you stopped to rethink all that family loyalty and personal honor crap you keep spouting every time you wander into Troy from another lengthy conversation with someone whom you've just degutted on the battlefield. Face it, the Scaean gates have more malleability than your sense of duty. After watching you out on the field of battle today, I've decided to butt in where I may not be welcome.

I have to ask, do you really think telling Andromache you'd rather be dead than see her and little Astyanax enslaved and sent into bondage was a really excellent example of your moral rectitude? I don't think she felt the love on that one, bubba. Really? It kind of made you look like a coward. The only answer you can think of to avoid humiliation is to die? Nice one.

Your wife would probably prefer you dump the flashing helmet, grab a few gold trinkets out of the treasure house to pawn on the journey, maybe even the robe your mom wasted placating Athena (she hates your brother's guts, you know. Not all the robes in Phthia will change THAT bitch's mind) and get your family the hell outta Dodge.

I know Priam thinks you're tits. He's constantly holding you up to your other bros as an example of perfection. It must be hard to be yourself with all that kingly pressure to perform on your shoulders, but let's be realistic here. We're talking about fighting Achilles! The dude's half god, and even if his Goddess mom does cross-dress him every once in a while, he's still a killer
underneath. Forget all that whiney-baby stuff he pulled after you wasted his boy-toy Patroclus; that just pissed him off more. He's coming for you, bud, and you'll never be ready, no matter how many libations you pour.

Why don't you pick up your kid and take the little lady by the hand and slip out the back door while there's still time? Your cousin Aeneas is gonna do it, and he'll get an entire epic named after him! Who knows? Maybe tending goats and sheep incognito would be an okay gig--it's better than the alternative. I'll let you in on a secret: Even Achilles will regret his decision to stay and fight after he actually sees what's in store for him down at Hade's place.

Hector, you're the best of them all. I know Homer tried to make Achille's the big kahuna, but you're really the hero of the piece, but when tomorrow comes and that old reprobate Zeus holds up those golden scales, you'll be a really dead hero; your wife will soon be sleeping in some Greek dude's bed; your kid will be as dead as you, tossed off those walls you're so intent on
protecting, and your old man will be food for dogs. Don't be a horse's ass.

Get out while there's still time. Duty's really not all it's cracked up to be,. Ask me, I know. Just say no. Choose life.

JP Reese