Nathaniel Hawthorne | The Scarlet Letter | 1850

Dear Hester Prynne,

I write to offer my condolences, because your life truly sucks. However, I can't feel too sorry for you, because you have made some poor life decisions. The A on your chest does not condemn you for being an "Adulterer," but instead for the fact you are "Attracted to Assholes." I can conceive of no possible reason who could have felt compelled to marry Roger Chillingworth. He looks evil for god's sake. Speaking of god, you and Arthur should have reached the conclusion that it would be a good idea to leave Boston a long time ago. Despite Dimmesdale's penchant for drama and hyperbole, adultery is not the end of the world You are the one facing all the iniquity and he thinks he is the one suffering. Typical man.

But, that's all in the past — all that's left is you and your crazy devil spawn. And that is not allegory. I'm positive Pearl is actually the offspring of Satan. Are you sure she isn't Chillingworth's kid? You could have solved a lot of problems if you just told everyone that — they would have totally believed you. I think the only course of action left for you is to give that kid a series of swift spankings — I know that she reminds you of Dimmesdale and you don't want to punish her despite the fact she is devil spawn, but you've been way too lax. But who knows, maybe she'll turn out okay in the end and marry some rich British guy. In payment for my sound advice, I would love it if you sewed me a scarlet "J" I could wear on my chest. It would make me look so cool, and you could add it to your penance tally.

Love,
Jaime Fuller